Do you need a bit of sexy time? Maybe it’s time for a re-tox


Detoxing is a great idea, and I certainly believe it has its place. It’s just that sometimes I think we run the risk of detoxing all the ­flavour out of life, and in life, like food, the best ­ flavour generally comes from the stuff that’s a wee bit bad for you.

Let’s start with tomorrow morning. You were planning on getting up nice and early to hit the gym, right? Pfft, cancel it. Tomorrow you’re going to get up and make yourself a full English breakfast with all the trimmings, especially if it’s a “school” day. In fact, let’s upgrade that to a Canadian breakfast – add a few waffles and some maple syrup. Then, if you have time, give your significant other a knowing look and head back to bed for a wee bit of dessert. If you don’t have time… just get to work late. A little bit of POG (post-orgasmic glow) will make you both twice as productive when you get there.

Also, as for the sexy time, that probably needs a bit of a re-toxing too. I want you to close your eyes for the next 10 seconds and imagine what you expect it will be like the next time you and your loved one get jiggy. If you think you can plot the routine based on prior experience, you may well have detoxed all the filthy stuff out.

Fix that! If there’s one place that could do with the occasional re-tox, it’s the bed (or the kitchen table, or living room ­ oor, or the…). Bring dirty back. Start making silly decisions again. The problem with getting smarter is that we do smarter things all the time, and smart is boring. When’s the last time you did or said something inappropriate? News­ ash: when you were younger, you did it all the time. Do it again. Flash a stranger. (Mum, if you’re reading this, I mean everyone except you. You should start knitting again.) Bunk work and go see a movie. It’s easy – just call in sick.

Do stuff that’s bad for you; jump out of an aeroplane or something. Go dancing. Preferably in a room filled with twenty-somethings, and when they look at you as if you’re crazy, smile and get all ­ flash –dance on them. Be politically incorrect. You may offend someone. That’s okay; they’ll be fine. Here’s the deal: life isn’t a diet, it’s an indulgence. If I die tomorrow, I want to be sure that I’ve extracted every last calorie out of it. I want nothing left on the plate.

So, yeah, absolutely detox for a while; it’s certainly needed. Just remember that it’s not a punishment, or a destination – you’re just clearing the page so you can fill it again, and when you do, fill it with different things. Variety is the spice of life, and life is supposed to be spicy. Indulge.