Looking For Spectacular Sex? Get Psychology Involved
Sex is a body thing. Good sex is a mind thing. And, as with many matters of the mind, getting your groove on – in a fulfilling, meaningful manner – can take a little work and a lot of thought.
However, most articles and authorities on the subject seem to tackle concerns over coitus from the physical front. In so doing, experts are omitting a vital aspect of the sexual encounter: the psychological. Luckily, though, there are psychotherapists and so-called sexologists whose very work involves getting your mind right for a romp.
Here’s what they have to say…
Ask Yourself 2 Simple Questions
Ken Page, a New York-based psychotherapist and author who specializes in intimacy and its psychological correlates, writes that two simple questions are enough to teach you valuable lessons about your sex life.
The first question which Page proposes we ask is: What turns me on most in sex?
Now, as simple as this seems, most of us might not be able to give a straight answer right away. Why? Because, as Page puts it “our sexual turn-ons sometimes just don’t fit our self-image”. When this is the case, we fanaticise about something for which we feel ashamed.
However, whether or not we like to admit to them (for instance, many people may find that what they like seems “boring” in comparison to some more exciting fantasies), the things which turn us on the most are “portals to a deeper experience of sex and of ourselves”.
Page explains that these “turn ons” shine a light on parts of ourselves we just don’t know what do with. And we can really benefit from learning how to handle these sexual fantasies in a creative, fulfilling and – vitally – non-destructive ways.
Page recommends that we try to allow ourselves the freedom of play in our dream world: and to trust ourselves enough to try some of these deeply-held fantasies. If it gets uncomfortable, accept that this is normal, but monitor it, and – if the discomfort persists – enlist the support of a skilled psychotherapist to help you along the way.
For the most part, though, Page reckons, we will feel a. proud of ourselves for embracing what it is we want most, and b. more sexually fulfilled. Which brings us to his second “questions for optimal sex”.
What Touches You most Deeply in Sex?
Not literally. What Page is getting at here is, what is it – during sex – which touches you most emotionally? Page goes into this topic in quite a bit of depth in his book Deeper dating: How to drop the games of seduction and discover the poser of intimacy. However, for our purposes here, let’s consider the following points:
- Have you ever been surprised by how a sexual experience touched you emotionally?
- Have you ever felt a sense of love which overtook you – where sex surpassed sex and became something more?
- And, finally, what happened to make this happen?
Try to figure it out: is it a way your partner looks at you, or the way they stroke your back?
Page explains that “in sex and in life, most of us are both more wild and more tender than we feel comfortable with, but both aspects of our sexuality are portals to our deepest self and our richer expression in the world”.
So, he recommends we ask ourselves these two questions about sex as a way to guide us, and our partners, to those portals of intimacy.
We diminish – and even extinguish – the intimacy between ourselves and others when we hide our most vulnerable sexual needs. To keep any sexual relationship real and rewarding, Page explains, involves sharing with your partner the things in sex that move you most deeply, that turn you on most intensely.
Beyond the Two Questions…
Isadora Alman is a Board-certified sex, marriage, and family therapist and author. She is also the author of the widely-syndicated advice column “Ask Isadora”.
And, what Isadora offers is the logical progression from Page’s two questions on your quest to fulfilling sex: tailor-make your sex life, there are no two people who are alike, so drop the by-the-rule-book laws of sexual gratification which presume all women are the same and all men are the same.
“Human beings are each unique creatures and nothing is more individual than sexual predilections and pleasures,” she explains.
But people do not come with instruction manuals, and – while some have tried to write the book on good sex – there’s no one-stop shop to better sex. Isadora’s advice is simple, and comes down to one thing: pay attention.
That’s it. Pay attention to your body and your partners. Stop thinking about your wobbly bits (or his), and – in the spirit of mindfulness – try to focus on your own an your partner’s responses.
While Isadora is talking about body language stuff – small movements, breathes – you can actually ask. But not all people are sex-talkers. If you are paying attention to the body language you will find your answer soon enough.
“If ever actions speak louder than words,” says Isadora, “it’s the body language of a partner during sexual arousal.”
So what are the psychological steps to a satisfying, safe, sublime sex life? Pay attention to your partners needs and your own, and strive for that deeper connection: there’s no manual for meaningful sex, but there is a way of thinking which helps.
How to renew love in a long-term relationship? Follow the link to read more.